You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were silly and bumpy, like two big oranges. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend Aravinda: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of O3 in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka to spike up your morning. That Wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -9 Degrees F with a
15% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: usa, england, and
china have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: purple warts located on victim's feet. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? purple warts on your feet?! Yes!
Just then, Aravinda knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Aravinda, I have purple warts on my feet. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Aravinda. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Sears Tower. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Sears Tower. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, grumpily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your purple warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected feet suddenly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of ponies, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Aravinda's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed arrogently, after they had left. "I have the extra 14 dollars that I keep in my pants! We can go to the Sears Tower with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 25 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and dancing as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the funny confusion, you were certain you infected at least 5 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the ugly crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Aravinda noticed that you were right in front of the Sears Tower. Just then, the temperature dropped to -9 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the Sears Tower was surrounded by 34 hundred firefighters trying to put out a greasy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Aravinda, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of cheesy men.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your purple wart covered feet. "Here, Aravinda! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling angrily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing feets and waiting to succumb to the purple warts.