You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were shiny and radical, like two big crates. Your immediate instinct was to fall, but instead you decided to call your friend Joe: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of whiskey in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Kettle One to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: six Degrees F with a
seventy-five% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: Paraguay, Mali, and
Chile have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's nose. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 6 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your nose?! Yes!
Just then, Joe knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Joe, I have blue warts on my nose. That means I only have 6 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Joe. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Edgewater. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Edgewater. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, coyly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected nose menacingly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of reindeer, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Joe's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed frighteningly, after they had left. "I have the extra five dollars that I keep in my jeans! We can go to the Edgewater with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than sixty minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and lovingly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the sharp confusion, you were certain you infected at least fifty-one dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the risky crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Joe noticed that you were right in front of the Edgewater. Just then, the temperature dropped to six Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the Edgewater was surrounded by five hundred firefighters trying to put out a crappy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Joe, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of sleepy wheel barrows.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered nose. "Here, Joe! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling lazily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing noses and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.