You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were shiny and old, like two big dogs. Your immediate instinct was to smoke, but instead you decided to call your friend adam: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of schnapps in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka to spike up your morning. That friday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -5 Degrees F with a
2% chance of a flood.
HEADLINE: USA, el salvador, and
Russia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: navy warts located on victim's foreskin. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? navy warts on your foreskin?! Yes!
Just then, adam knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, adam, I have navy warts on my foreskin. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied adam. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the wicker park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the wicker park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, fast demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your navy warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected foreskin bouncily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of puppies, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and adam's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed carefully, after they had left. "I have the extra pi dollars that I keep in my pants! We can go to the wicker park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 27 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and slowly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the big confusion, you were certain you infected at least 3 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the hi-tech crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and adam noticed that you were right in front of the wicker park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -5 Degrees F, and the flood broke loose. Plus, the wicker park was surrounded by 1 hundred firefighters trying to put out a fast fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at adam, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of thick lions.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your navy wart covered foreskin. "Here, adam! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling recklessly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing foreskins and waiting to succumb to the navy warts.