You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were shiny and fluffy, like two big grills. Your immediate instinct was to jump, but instead you decided to call your friend josh: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of whiskey to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitched, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -23 Degrees F with a
3% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: mexico, france, and
netherlands have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: orange warts located on victim's ear. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 4 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? orange warts on your ear?! Yes!
Just then, josh knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, josh, I have orange warts on my ear. That means I only have 4 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied josh. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the pizza shop. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the pizza shop. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, thought demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your orange warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected ear snowed.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of sea otters, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and josh's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed swallowed, after they had left. "I have the extra 18 dollars that I keep in my shoe! We can go to the pizza shop with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 12 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and ran as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the grusome confusion, you were certain you infected at least 28 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the fruity crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and josh noticed that you were right in front of the pizza shop. Just then, the temperature dropped to -23 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the pizza shop was surrounded by 9 hundred firefighters trying to put out a bubbly fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at josh, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of chunky houses.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your orange wart covered ear. "Here, josh! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling tasted, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing ears and waiting to succumb to the orange warts.