You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were shiny and dull, like two big bannanas. Your immediate instinct was to jumping, but instead you decided to call your friend midge: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of tia maria in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the 33, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -45 Degrees F with a
10% chance of a flood.
HEADLINE: france, iceland, and
spain have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: red warts located on victim's knee. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? red warts on your knee?! Yes!
Just then, midge knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, midge, I have red warts on my knee. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied midge. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the windy bit. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the windy bit. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, wonkily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected knee sharply.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of geese, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and midge's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed gluey, after they had left. "I have the extra 12 dollars that I keep in my trousers! We can go to the windy bit with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 5 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the slowly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 7 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the squeaky crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and midge noticed that you were right in front of the windy bit. Just then, the temperature dropped to -45 Degrees F, and the flood broke loose. Plus, the windy bit was surrounded by 9 hundred firefighters trying to put out a misty fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at midge, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of spiny cheese.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your red wart covered knee. "Here, midge! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling smelly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing knees and waiting to succumb to the red warts.