You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were sharp and repulsive, like two big Pez tablets. Your immediate instinct was to Defenestrate, but instead you decided to call your friend Liz: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a 3, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Stolichnaya in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of turpentine to spike up your morning. That 3 needed a punch.
You moved into the crypt, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -35 Degrees F with a
41% chance of a plague of locusts.
HEADLINE: Venezuela, Cambodia, and
Namibia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: windex blue warts located on victim's femur. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 6 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? windex blue warts on your femur?! Yes!
Just then, Liz knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Liz, I have windex blue warts on my femur. That means I only have 6 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Liz. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Chinatown. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Chinatown. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, obliquely demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your windex blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected femur cheerily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of goats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Liz's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed faster, after they had left. "I have the extra 845 dollars that I keep in my loin cloth! We can go to the Chinatown with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 34 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and bleedingly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the insanely confusion, you were certain you infected at least 9 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the gaily crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Liz noticed that you were right in front of the Chinatown. Just then, the temperature dropped to -35 Degrees F, and the plague of locusts broke loose. Plus, the Chinatown was surrounded by 19 hundred firefighters trying to put out a furry fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Liz, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of loathsome tombstones.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your windex blue wart covered femur. "Here, Liz! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling harder, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing femurs and waiting to succumb to the windex blue warts.