You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were sexy and weird, like two big nuns. Your immediate instinct was to running, but instead you decided to call your friend susan: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of jack in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of grey goose to spike up your morning. That sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the 309, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -4 Degrees F with a
4% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: nepal, cuba, and
nigeria have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: purple warts located on victim's elbow. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? purple warts on your elbow?! Yes!
Just then, susan knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, susan, I have purple warts on my elbow. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied susan. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the bar 13. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the bar 13. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, poorly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your purple warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected elbow quickly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dogs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and susan's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed quickly, after they had left. "I have the extra 6 dollars that I keep in my bra! We can go to the bar 13 with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 67 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the nice confusion, you were certain you infected at least 43 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the funny crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and susan noticed that you were right in front of the bar 13. Just then, the temperature dropped to -4 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the bar 13 was surrounded by 3 hundred firefighters trying to put out a hot fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at susan, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of sunny japs.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your purple wart covered elbow. "Here, susan! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling quickly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing elbows and waiting to succumb to the purple warts.