You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were sexy and unique, like two big erasers. Your immediate instinct was to pissed, but instead you decided to call your friend Scott: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of martini in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of scotch to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the apt 32, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -7 Degrees F with a
32% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: Bulgaria, Bangladesh, and
Peru have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: orange warts located on victim's penis. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? orange warts on your penis?! Yes!
Just then, Scott knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Scott, I have orange warts on my penis. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Scott. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the the L. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the the L. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, grudgingly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your orange warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected penis seductively.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of giraffes, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Scott's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed venomously, after they had left. "I have the extra 52 dollars that I keep in my bra! We can go to the the L with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and roughly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the light confusion, you were certain you infected at least 6 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the inconvieniet crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Scott noticed that you were right in front of the the L. Just then, the temperature dropped to -7 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the the L was surrounded by 42 hundred firefighters trying to put out a creamy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Scott, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of slippery guitars.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your orange wart covered penis. "Here, Scott! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling joyfully, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing peniss and waiting to succumb to the orange warts.