You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were sexy and flaming, like two big CDs. Your immediate instinct was to jogging, but instead you decided to call your friend Andy: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Fosters in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Schnops to spike up your morning. That Friday needed a punch.
You moved into the 5517, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -9 1/6 Degrees F with a
forty% chance of a nuclear explosion.
HEADLINE: Spain, Russia, and
Mexico have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: brown warts located on victim's penis. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? brown warts on your penis?! Yes!
Just then, Andy knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Andy, I have brown warts on my penis. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Andy. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the House of Blues. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the House of Blues. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, roughly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your brown warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected penis carefuly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of tigers, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Andy's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed wrongfuly, after they had left. "I have the extra fourteen dollars that I keep in my boxers! We can go to the House of Blues with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than six minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the stuffed confusion, you were certain you infected at least sixty nine dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the athletic crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Andy noticed that you were right in front of the House of Blues. Just then, the temperature dropped to -9 1/6 Degrees F, and the nuclear explosion broke loose. Plus, the House of Blues was surrounded by nine hundred firefighters trying to put out a sporty fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Andy, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of spotted books.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your brown wart covered penis. "Here, Andy! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling sleekly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing peniss and waiting to succumb to the brown warts.