You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were sexy and big, like two big book. Your immediate instinct was to jump, but instead you decided to call your friend jessica: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of cosmo in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of green apple martini to spike up your morning. That thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -9 Degrees F with a
38% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: colombia, greece, and
italy have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's eye. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your eye?! Yes!
Just then, jessica knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, jessica, I have pink warts on my eye. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied jessica. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the wrigleyville. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the wrigleyville. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, jokingly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected eye uglyly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of monkeys, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and jessica's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed stumbly, after they had left. "I have the extra 90 dollars that I keep in my hat! We can go to the wrigleyville with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and friendly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the cute confusion, you were certain you infected at least 25 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the brave crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and jessica noticed that you were right in front of the wrigleyville. Just then, the temperature dropped to -9 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the wrigleyville was surrounded by 14 hundred firefighters trying to put out a alchoholic fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at jessica, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of boring monkey.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered eye. "Here, jessica! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling drunkly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing eyes and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.