You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were scary and ghastly, like two big tabs. Your immediate instinct was to stab, but instead you decided to call your friend Omar: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of hennessy in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of old style to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the , which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: Degrees F with a
% chance of a .
HEADLINE: ecuadorian, peruvian, and
french have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: taupe warts located on victim's big toe. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? taupe warts on your big toe?! Yes!
Just then, Omar knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Omar, I have taupe warts on my big toe. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Omar. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the brauhaus. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the brauhaus. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, briskly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your taupe warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected big toe .
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of , but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Omar's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed , after they had left. "I have the extra dollars that I keep in my thong! We can go to the brauhaus with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 98 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quietly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the grinding confusion, you were certain you infected at least 330353 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the cool crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Omar noticed that you were right in front of the brauhaus. Just then, the temperature dropped to Degrees F, and the broke loose. Plus, the brauhaus was surrounded by 330353 hundred firefighters trying to put out a gargantuam fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Omar, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of .
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your taupe wart covered big toe. "Here, Omar! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling , the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing big toes and waiting to succumb to the taupe warts.