You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were saucy and sunny, like two big sacks. Your immediate instinct was to pee, but instead you decided to call your friend tinos: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of schnapps in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of sloe gin fizz to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the sun room, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -90 Degrees F with a
9000% chance of a hurricane andrew.
HEADLINE: moldova, canada, and
cuba have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: cobalt blue warts located on victim's fromunda. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 10 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? cobalt blue warts on your fromunda?! Yes!
Just then, tinos knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, tinos, I have cobalt blue warts on my fromunda. That means I only have 10 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied tinos. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the vip's. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the vip's. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slyly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your cobalt blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected fromunda goofily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of skunks, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and tinos's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed maniacly, after they had left. "I have the extra 7654 dollars that I keep in my jockstrap! We can go to the vip's with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 billion minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and suckingly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the neat-o confusion, you were certain you infected at least 67 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the insane crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and tinos noticed that you were right in front of the vip's. Just then, the temperature dropped to -90 Degrees F, and the hurricane andrew broke loose. Plus, the vip's was surrounded by 900 hundred firefighters trying to put out a funky fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at tinos, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of smelly bags.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your cobalt blue wart covered fromunda. "Here, tinos! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling sadly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing fromundas and waiting to succumb to the cobalt blue warts.