You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were sassy and crass, like two big dog. Your immediate instinct was to swam, but instead you decided to call your friend Brian: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of newcastle in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the living room, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -666 Degrees F with a
88% chance of a volcano erruption.
HEADLINE: Bosnia, Canada, and
USSR have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: red warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 4 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? red warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, Brian knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Brian, I have red warts on my arm. That means I only have 4 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Brian. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the My Pi. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the My Pi. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, swiftly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm silently.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of Deer, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Brian's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed swashbuckingly, after they had left. "I have the extra 102 dollars that I keep in my undies! We can go to the My Pi with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 2 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the sickly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 8 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the homely crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Brian noticed that you were right in front of the My Pi. Just then, the temperature dropped to -666 Degrees F, and the volcano erruption broke loose. Plus, the My Pi was surrounded by 22 hundred firefighters trying to put out a torn fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Brian, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of worn Trees.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your red wart covered arm. "Here, Brian! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling giftedly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the red warts.