You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were salacious and manic, like two big windows. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend Tania: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of martini in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka and orange to spike up your morning. That Sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: zero Degrees F with a
one% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: Australia, Jamaica, and
Hawaii have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: gray warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? gray warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, Tania knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Tania, I have gray warts on my arm. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Tania. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Beach Drive. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Beach Drive. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quickly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your gray warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm silkily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of spiders, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Tania's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slyly, after they had left. "I have the extra ten dollars that I keep in my scarf! We can go to the Beach Drive with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than three minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and prettily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the happy confusion, you were certain you infected at least eight dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the troubled crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Tania noticed that you were right in front of the Beach Drive. Just then, the temperature dropped to zero Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the Beach Drive was surrounded by nineteen hundred firefighters trying to put out a down fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Tania, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of glad doors.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your gray wart covered arm. "Here, Tania! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling rapidly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the gray warts.