You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were sad and lonel, like two big graves. Your immediate instinct was to kill, but instead you decided to call your friend Paul: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Saturday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Blaster in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Royal Fuck to spike up your morning. That Saturday needed a punch.
You moved into the Bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 5 Degrees F with a
8% chance of a Hurrican.
HEADLINE: Ireland, England, and
Germany have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: Blue warts located on victim's Thumb. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? Blue warts on your Thumb?! Yes!
Just then, Paul knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Paul, I have Blue warts on my Thumb. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Paul. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Starbucks. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Starbucks. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, very demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your Blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected Thumb extremely.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of lions, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Paul's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed amazingly, after they had left. "I have the extra 6 dollars that I keep in my boxers! We can go to the Starbucks with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and really as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the drunk confusion, you were certain you infected at least 12 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the beautiful crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Paul noticed that you were right in front of the Starbucks. Just then, the temperature dropped to 5 Degrees F, and the Hurrican broke loose. Plus, the Starbucks was surrounded by 42 hundred firefighters trying to put out a ugly fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Paul, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of ridiculous Discs.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your Blue wart covered Thumb. "Here, Paul! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling exrtraordinarly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing Thumbs and waiting to succumb to the Blue warts.