You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were sad and delighted, like two big goats. Your immediate instinct was to rough, but instead you decided to call your friend Clara: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Hump Day, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Rum Coke in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Cosmopolitan to spike up your morning. That Hump Day needed a punch.
You moved into the unfinished bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -65 Degrees F with a
4,784% chance of a plague.
HEADLINE: China, South Africa, and
Australia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: green warts located on victim's intestines. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? green warts on your intestines?! Yes!
Just then, Clara knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Clara, I have green warts on my intestines. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Clara. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Millenium Park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Millenium Park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, gratefully demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your green warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected intestines freely.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cheetahs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Clara's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed often, after they had left. "I have the extra 1,000,000 dollars that I keep in my sleeve! We can go to the Millenium Park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and rapidly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the hyperactive confusion, you were certain you infected at least 682,000,000 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the minimal crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Clara noticed that you were right in front of the Millenium Park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -65 Degrees F, and the plague broke loose. Plus, the Millenium Park was surrounded by 45 hundred firefighters trying to put out a stubborn fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Clara, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of distracted compound sentences.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your green wart covered intestines. "Here, Clara! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling greedily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing intestiness and waiting to succumb to the green warts.