You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were rough and squishy, like two big squirrels. Your immediate instinct was to eat, but instead you decided to call your friend Yuliya: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Molson Ice in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of champagne to spike up your morning. That Wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -75 Degrees F with a
19% chance of a Hurricane Floyd.
HEADLINE: Afghanistan, St. Vincent, and
Fiji have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: brilliant blue warts located on victim's finger. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? brilliant blue warts on your finger?! Yes!
Just then, Yuliya knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Yuliya, I have brilliant blue warts on my finger. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Yuliya. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Wrigley Field. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Wrigley Field. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, horribly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your brilliant blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected finger lovingly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of iguanas, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Yuliya's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed terrifically, after they had left. "I have the extra 3903 dollars that I keep in my beret! We can go to the Wrigley Field with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 47 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and swimmingly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the brightly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 864 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the poor crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Yuliya noticed that you were right in front of the Wrigley Field. Just then, the temperature dropped to -75 Degrees F, and the Hurricane Floyd broke loose. Plus, the Wrigley Field was surrounded by 1978 hundred firefighters trying to put out a smelly fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Yuliya, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of electric bananas.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your brilliant blue wart covered finger. "Here, Yuliya! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling superbly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing fingers and waiting to succumb to the brilliant blue warts.