You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were rotting and wild, like two big ass. Your immediate instinct was to killing, but instead you decided to call your friend ben: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of bailey's in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of kaluha to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -4 Degrees F with a
6% chance of a death.
HEADLINE: us, us, and
us have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's eye. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your eye?! Yes!
Just then, ben knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, ben, I have blue warts on my eye. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied ben. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the my apt.. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the my apt.. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, nicely demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected eye positvely.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of birds, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and ben's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed quietly, after they had left. "I have the extra 8 dollars that I keep in my socks! We can go to the my apt. with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and vaguely as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the discraceful confusion, you were certain you infected at least 4 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the deathly crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and ben noticed that you were right in front of the my apt.. Just then, the temperature dropped to -4 Degrees F, and the death broke loose. Plus, the my apt. was surrounded by 8 hundred firefighters trying to put out a bad fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at ben, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of old roommates.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered eye. "Here, ben! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling slowly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing eyes and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.