You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were rigid and skatetastic, like two big yaks. Your immediate instinct was to coerce, but instead you decided to call your friend geoffery: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of PBR in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Jagermeister to spike up your morning. That friday needed a punch.
You moved into the breakfast nook, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -0 Degrees F with a
0% chance of a plague.
HEADLINE: nepal, hungaria, and
mexico have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: aqua-marine warts located on victim's taint. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? aqua-marine warts on your taint?! Yes!
Just then, geoffery knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, geoffery, I have aqua-marine warts on my taint. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied geoffery. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the fireside bowl. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the fireside bowl. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, painstakingly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your aqua-marine warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected taint haphazardly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of puffins, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and geoffery's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed retardedly, after they had left. "I have the extra 0.1 dollars that I keep in my hoop earing! We can go to the fireside bowl with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 88 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and grudgingly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the fucking confusion, you were certain you infected at least 44 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the lame crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and geoffery noticed that you were right in front of the fireside bowl. Just then, the temperature dropped to -0 Degrees F, and the plague broke loose. Plus, the fireside bowl was surrounded by 58 hundred firefighters trying to put out a creamy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at geoffery, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of velveteen cornbread muffins.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your aqua-marine wart covered taint. "Here, geoffery! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling infeciously, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing taints and waiting to succumb to the aqua-marine warts.