You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were retarded and lame, like two big dogs. Your immediate instinct was to shoot, but instead you decided to call your friend Mike: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Mai tai in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Rumrunner to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the living room, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -34 Degrees F with a
45% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: Russia, Brazil, and
Austria have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: black warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? black warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, Mike knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Mike, I have black warts on my arm. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Mike. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Buckingham fountain. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Buckingham fountain. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your black warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm costly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of chimpanzees, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Mike's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed likely, after they had left. "I have the extra 34 dollars that I keep in my underwear! We can go to the Buckingham fountain with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 6 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and camly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the creamy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 2 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the dirty crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Mike noticed that you were right in front of the Buckingham fountain. Just then, the temperature dropped to -34 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the Buckingham fountain was surrounded by 20 hundred firefighters trying to put out a fat fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Mike, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of small houses.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your black wart covered arm. "Here, Mike! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling knowingly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the black warts.