You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were red and large, like two big rats. Your immediate instinct was to sit, but instead you decided to call your friend heather: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Merlot in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Tequila to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 3 Degrees F with a
4% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: afghanistan, singapore, and
italy have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: indigo warts located on victim's navel. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? indigo warts on your navel?! Yes!
Just then, heather knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, heather, I have indigo warts on my navel. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied heather. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Rush St.. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Rush St.. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quick demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your indigo warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected navel quick.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dogs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and heather's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed quick, after they had left. "I have the extra 6 dollars that I keep in my thong! We can go to the Rush St. with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 188 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quick as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the huge confusion, you were certain you infected at least 212 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the quiet crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and heather noticed that you were right in front of the Rush St.. Just then, the temperature dropped to 3 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the Rush St. was surrounded by 2 hundred firefighters trying to put out a awesome fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at heather, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of nasty boys.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your indigo wart covered navel. "Here, heather! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling quick, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing navels and waiting to succumb to the indigo warts.