You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were red and full, like two big cows. Your immediate instinct was to sit, but instead you decided to call your friend james: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of wine to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -1 Degrees F with a
5% chance of a flood.
HEADLINE: britian, france, and
india have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: brown warts located on victim's gonads. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? brown warts on your gonads?! Yes!
Just then, james knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, james, I have brown warts on my gonads. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied james. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the loop. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the loop. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, swiftly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your brown warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected gonads slowly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and james's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed intently, after they had left. "I have the extra 6 dollars that I keep in my jacket! We can go to the loop with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 3 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and strongly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the hot confusion, you were certain you infected at least 2 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the leaden crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and james noticed that you were right in front of the loop. Just then, the temperature dropped to -1 Degrees F, and the flood broke loose. Plus, the loop was surrounded by 1 hundred firefighters trying to put out a sweet fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at james, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of dark automobiles.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your brown wart covered gonads. "Here, james! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling indirectly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing gonadss and waiting to succumb to the brown warts.