You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were raunchy and smarmy, like two big girl. Your immediate instinct was to kick, but instead you decided to call your friend mike: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin and tonic in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -45 Degrees F with a
123% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: germany, brazil, and
canada have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: orange warts located on victim's toe. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 6 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? orange warts on your toe?! Yes!
Just then, mike knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, mike, I have orange warts on my toe. That means I only have 6 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied mike. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the mca. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the mca. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, ferociously demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your orange warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected toe sadly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of bears, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and mike's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed outragious, after they had left. "I have the extra 4 dollars that I keep in my socks! We can go to the mca with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 2 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and wildly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the ugly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 3 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the smelly crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and mike noticed that you were right in front of the mca. Just then, the temperature dropped to -45 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the mca was surrounded by 99 hundred firefighters trying to put out a sticky fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at mike, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of big shirts.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your orange wart covered toe. "Here, mike! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling high, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing toes and waiting to succumb to the orange warts.