You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were quaint and small, like two big feet. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend Takelya: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Remy Red in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Alize to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the front, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -4 Degrees F with a
8% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: Bolivia, France, and
Japan have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's eye. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your eye?! Yes!
Just then, Takelya knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Takelya, I have blue warts on my eye. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Takelya. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Logan Square. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Logan Square. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected eye swiftly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of sharks, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Takelya's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed deftly, after they had left. "I have the extra 6 dollars that I keep in my tunic! We can go to the Logan Square with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 5 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the stiff confusion, you were certain you infected at least 3 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the dirty crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Takelya noticed that you were right in front of the Logan Square. Just then, the temperature dropped to -4 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the Logan Square was surrounded by 8 hundred firefighters trying to put out a bright fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Takelya, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of sunny wheels.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered eye. "Here, Takelya! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling crazily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing eyes and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.