You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were putrid and fluorescent, like two big apes. Your immediate instinct was to vomit, but instead you decided to call your friend Ross: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of appletini to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the 8727, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -8 Degrees F with a
3% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: USA, Japan, and
Iraq have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's nipple. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your nipple?! Yes!
Just then, Ross knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Ross, I have pink warts on my nipple. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Ross. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Riverside. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Riverside. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected nipple slippery.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dogs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Ross's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed dumbly, after they had left. "I have the extra 15 dollars that I keep in my panties! We can go to the Riverside with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 6 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and rapidly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the smooth confusion, you were certain you infected at least 200 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the slimy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Ross noticed that you were right in front of the Riverside. Just then, the temperature dropped to -8 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the Riverside was surrounded by 2 hundred firefighters trying to put out a fat fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Ross, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of tall flowers.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered nipple. "Here, Ross! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling stupidly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing nipples and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.