You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were purple and healthy, like two big bellhops. Your immediate instinct was to throw, but instead you decided to call your friend Erika: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of sangria to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the 1412, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -8 Degrees F with a
8% chance of a locust invasion.
HEADLINE: questionable, Belarus, and
Puerto Rico have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: orange warts located on victim's hamstring. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 10 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? orange warts on your hamstring?! Yes!
Just then, Erika knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Erika, I have orange warts on my hamstring. That means I only have 10 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Erika. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Montrose Harbor. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Montrose Harbor. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, giddily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your orange warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected hamstring lazily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of elephants, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Erika's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed mysteriously, after they had left. "I have the extra nine hundred two dollars that I keep in my insulated socks! We can go to the Montrose Harbor with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than fourteen minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the shameless confusion, you were certain you infected at least 4 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the scary crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Erika noticed that you were right in front of the Montrose Harbor. Just then, the temperature dropped to -8 Degrees F, and the locust invasion broke loose. Plus, the Montrose Harbor was surrounded by 59 hundred firefighters trying to put out a super fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Erika, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of giddy dentists.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your orange wart covered hamstring. "Here, Erika! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling ridiculously , the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing hamstrings and waiting to succumb to the orange warts.