You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were pretty and smelly, like two big chairs. Your immediate instinct was to scream, but instead you decided to call your friend Heather: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Saturday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of wine in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of martini to spike up your morning. That Saturday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -42 Degrees F with a
29% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: South Africa, France, and
Canada have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: yellow warts located on victim's elbow. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? yellow warts on your elbow?! Yes!
Just then, Heather knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Heather, I have yellow warts on my elbow. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Heather. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Lake Michigan. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Lake Michigan. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, smoothly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your yellow warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected elbow slowly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of sheep, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Heather's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed soundly, after they had left. "I have the extra 125 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the Lake Michigan with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 21 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the loud confusion, you were certain you infected at least 57 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the tall crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Heather noticed that you were right in front of the Lake Michigan. Just then, the temperature dropped to -42 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the Lake Michigan was surrounded by 409 hundred firefighters trying to put out a compassionate fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Heather, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of girly looks.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your yellow wart covered elbow. "Here, Heather! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling fast, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing elbows and waiting to succumb to the yellow warts.