You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were pretty and funny, like two big cars. Your immediate instinct was to walk, but instead you decided to call your friend lucas: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of tekila to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the 13, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -2 Degrees F with a
10% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: alabama, berlim, and
paris have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's heart. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your heart?! Yes!
Just then, lucas knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, lucas, I have blue warts on my heart. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied lucas. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the chicago. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the chicago. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, always demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected heart dizzy.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and lucas's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed who, after they had left. "I have the extra 5 dollars that I keep in my shirt! We can go to the chicago with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 2 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and going as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the cool confusion, you were certain you infected at least 1 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the bright crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and lucas noticed that you were right in front of the chicago. Just then, the temperature dropped to -2 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the chicago was surrounded by 4 hundred firefighters trying to put out a crazy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at lucas, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of calm houses.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered heart. "Here, lucas! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling deseperaly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing hearts and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.