You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were pretty and fluffy, like two big monkeys. Your immediate instinct was to jumping, but instead you decided to call your friend Jon: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of rum to spike up your morning. That Monday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -10002 Degrees F with a
9464% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: Canada, Asia, and
France have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's ear. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your ear?! Yes!
Just then, Jon knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Jon, I have blue warts on my ear. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Jon. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Sears Tower. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Sears Tower. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, frenetically demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected ear frantically.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of kittens, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Jon's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed morosely, after they had left. "I have the extra 9 dollars that I keep in my shirt! We can go to the Sears Tower with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 9 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the slick confusion, you were certain you infected at least 745 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the dry crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Jon noticed that you were right in front of the Sears Tower. Just then, the temperature dropped to -10002 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the Sears Tower was surrounded by 72 hundred firefighters trying to put out a scratchy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Jon, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of itchy tails.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered ear. "Here, Jon! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling slowly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing ears and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.