You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were pretty and Hard, like two big cat. Your immediate instinct was to jump, but instead you decided to call your friend Michele: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of wine in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That Monday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -2 Degrees F with a
8% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: France, Italy, and
Canada have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: yellow warts located on victim's leg. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? yellow warts on your leg?! Yes!
Just then, Michele knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Michele, I have yellow warts on my leg. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Michele. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Grant Park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Grant Park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, was eating demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your yellow warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected leg lost.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dogs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Michele's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed jerking, after they had left. "I have the extra 9 dollars that I keep in my Tube Top! We can go to the Grant Park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and crazily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the sticky confusion, you were certain you infected at least 9 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the smelly crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Michele noticed that you were right in front of the Grant Park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -2 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the Grant Park was surrounded by 4 hundred firefighters trying to put out a loud fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Michele, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of colorful houses.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your yellow wart covered leg. "Here, Michele! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling smashed, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing legs and waiting to succumb to the yellow warts.