You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were poiniant and whorey, like two big tubes. Your immediate instinct was to slap, but instead you decided to call your friend scoot: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of scotch in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of rob roy to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the hobby room, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -5 Degrees F with a
99% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: columbia, chile, and
turkmenistan have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's navel. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your navel?! Yes!
Just then, scoot knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, scoot, I have blue warts on my navel. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied scoot. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the sauk. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the sauk. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, crapily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected navel quickly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of pumas, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and scoot's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed expeditiously, after they had left. "I have the extra 69 dollars that I keep in my sweater! We can go to the sauk with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 55 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and slowly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the crazy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 1 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the mangled crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and scoot noticed that you were right in front of the sauk. Just then, the temperature dropped to -5 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the sauk was surrounded by 2 hundred firefighters trying to put out a handsome fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at scoot, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of hot panties.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered navel. "Here, scoot! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling slyly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing navels and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.