You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were pithy and fishy, like two big muscrats. Your immediate instinct was to pump, but instead you decided to call your friend Dane: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of blowjob in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of cosmo to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the kithcen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -9 Degrees F with a
653% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: qatar, zimbabwe, and
djubuti have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: slamon warts located on victim's forearm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? slamon warts on your forearm?! Yes!
Just then, Dane knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Dane, I have slamon warts on my forearm. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Dane. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Sears tower. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Sears tower. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, swiftly` demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your slamon warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected forearm slowly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of fish, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Dane's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed toasty, after they had left. "I have the extra 663 dollars that I keep in my dickey! We can go to the Sears tower with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 63 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and morosely as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the bluish confusion, you were certain you infected at least 4 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the friendly crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Dane noticed that you were right in front of the Sears tower. Just then, the temperature dropped to -9 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the Sears tower was surrounded by 36 hundred firefighters trying to put out a sexy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Dane, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of corny toasts.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your slamon wart covered forearm. "Here, Dane! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling janky, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing forearms and waiting to succumb to the slamon warts.