You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were pathetic and decaying, like two big cats. Your immediate instinct was to serch, but instead you decided to call your friend marissa: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of bacardi to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -57 Degrees F with a
24% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: djibouti, china, and
afghanistan have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: black warts located on victim's penis. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? black warts on your penis?! Yes!
Just then, marissa knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, marissa, I have black warts on my penis. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied marissa. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the whorehouse. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the whorehouse. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, pleasingly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your black warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected penis easily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of orangutans, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and marissa's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed miserly, after they had left. "I have the extra 2 dollars that I keep in my choker! We can go to the whorehouse with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and slowly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the fucked confusion, you were certain you infected at least 6 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the mottled crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and marissa noticed that you were right in front of the whorehouse. Just then, the temperature dropped to -57 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the whorehouse was surrounded by 4 hundred firefighters trying to put out a depressed fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at marissa, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of horny vaginas.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your black wart covered penis. "Here, marissa! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling sadly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing peniss and waiting to succumb to the black warts.