You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were painful and hairy, like two big rhinoplasties. Your immediate instinct was to defenestrate, but instead you decided to call your friend my sweet baby: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a yesterday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of eggnog in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of turpentine to spike up your morning. That yesterday needed a punch.
You moved into the guest bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -49.1 Degrees F with a
456% chance of a mass erection.
HEADLINE: Jon Stamos, the Peach Pit, and
R. Kelly have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: hot pink warts located on victim's teeth. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 6 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? hot pink warts on your teeth?! Yes!
Just then, my sweet baby knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, my sweet baby, I have hot pink warts on my teeth. That means I only have 6 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied my sweet baby. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the my buttcrack. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the my buttcrack. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, stickily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your hot pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected teeth flagrantly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of ass monkeys, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and my sweet baby's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed bleatingly, after they had left. "I have the extra 34 dollars that I keep in my thin leather strap! We can go to the my buttcrack with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 42 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and sweatily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the kick-ass confusion, you were certain you infected at least 12.3 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the gigantic crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and my sweet baby noticed that you were right in front of the my buttcrack. Just then, the temperature dropped to -49.1 Degrees F, and the mass erection broke loose. Plus, the my buttcrack was surrounded by like a billion hundred firefighters trying to put out a toxic fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at my sweet baby, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of full-frontal goons.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your hot pink wart covered teeth. "Here, my sweet baby! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling toothily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing teeths and waiting to succumb to the hot pink warts.