You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were orange and round, like two big noses. Your immediate instinct was to dance, but instead you decided to call your friend jeff: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of rum n coke to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -10 Degrees F with a
5% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: tuvalu, fiji, and
norway have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: green warts located on victim's knee. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 6 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? green warts on your knee?! Yes!
Just then, jeff knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, jeff, I have green warts on my knee. That means I only have 6 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied jeff. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the subway. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the subway. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, sudictively demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your green warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected knee earnestly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of giraffes, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and jeff's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slyly, after they had left. "I have the extra 65169874 dollars that I keep in my skirt! We can go to the subway with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the smooth confusion, you were certain you infected at least 42 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the warm crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and jeff noticed that you were right in front of the subway. Just then, the temperature dropped to -10 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the subway was surrounded by 63 hundred firefighters trying to put out a furry fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at jeff, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of bright bricks.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your green wart covered knee. "Here, jeff! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling greedily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing knees and waiting to succumb to the green warts.