You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were old and nice, like two big trucks. Your immediate instinct was to move, but instead you decided to call your friend fred: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of wine to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the 4, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -6 Degrees F with a
56% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: canada, mexico, and
russia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: brown warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? brown warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, fred knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, fred, I have brown warts on my arm. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied fred. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the wrigley field. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the wrigley field. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quick demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your brown warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm slowly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of ducks, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and fred's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed quietly, after they had left. "I have the extra 78 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the wrigley field with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 34 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and slowly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the run confusion, you were certain you infected at least 12 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the tall crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and fred noticed that you were right in front of the wrigley field. Just then, the temperature dropped to -6 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the wrigley field was surrounded by 1 hundred firefighters trying to put out a ugly fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at fred, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of sweet airplanes.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your brown wart covered arm. "Here, fred! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling slowly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the brown warts.