You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were old and hairy, like two big fuckers. Your immediate instinct was to going, but instead you decided to call your friend richard: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of 151 in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of grey goose to spike up your morning. That sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the closet, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -9 Degrees F with a
3% chance of a flood.
HEADLINE: frane, sweden, and
poland have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's dick. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 1 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your dick?! Yes!
Just then, richard knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, richard, I have blue warts on my dick. That means I only have 1 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied richard. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the hyde park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the hyde park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, hastly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected dick now.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of horses, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and richard's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed lovely, after they had left. "I have the extra 9 dollars that I keep in my jacket! We can go to the hyde park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 13 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and boldly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the big confusion, you were certain you infected at least 7 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the tired crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and richard noticed that you were right in front of the hyde park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -9 Degrees F, and the flood broke loose. Plus, the hyde park was surrounded by 9 hundred firefighters trying to put out a numb fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at richard, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of ripe bitches.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered dick. "Here, richard! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling slowly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing dicks and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.