You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were obese and scabied, like two big speculums. Your immediate instinct was to blast, but instead you decided to call your friend Steve: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of whiskey in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of rum to spike up your morning. That Sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the closet, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -9 Degrees F with a
95% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: Buhrma, Canadia, and
Ghana have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: turquoise warts located on victim's rectal passageway. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? turquoise warts on your rectal passageway?! Yes!
Just then, Steve knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Steve, I have turquoise warts on my rectal passageway. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Steve. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Uptown. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Uptown. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, ugly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your turquoise warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected rectal passageway staggeringly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dash houndss, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Steve's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed openly, after they had left. "I have the extra 789 dollars that I keep in my pantaloons! We can go to the Uptown with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 12 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and Hurriedly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the retarded confusion, you were certain you infected at least 9 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the blue crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Steve noticed that you were right in front of the Uptown. Just then, the temperature dropped to -9 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the Uptown was surrounded by 69 hundred firefighters trying to put out a offensive fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Steve, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of stupid penile enlargers.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your turquoise wart covered rectal passageway. "Here, Steve! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling slowly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing rectal passageways and waiting to succumb to the turquoise warts.