You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were musky and pleasant, like two big cults. Your immediate instinct was to skip, but instead you decided to call your friend erin: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Hennessey to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -3 Degrees F with a
12% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: Poland, USSR, and
Norway have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: brown warts located on victim's weeen. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? brown warts on your weeen?! Yes!
Just then, erin knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, erin, I have brown warts on my weeen. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied erin. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Wrigley Field. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Wrigley Field. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your brown warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected weeen quickly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of brontosaurus, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and erin's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed speedily, after they had left. "I have the extra 6 dollars that I keep in my breifs! We can go to the Wrigley Field with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and rapidly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the humungous confusion, you were certain you infected at least 2 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the fluffy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and erin noticed that you were right in front of the Wrigley Field. Just then, the temperature dropped to -3 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the Wrigley Field was surrounded by 2 hundred firefighters trying to put out a bloody fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at erin, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of moist AIDS.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your brown wart covered weeen. "Here, erin! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling hastily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing weeens and waiting to succumb to the brown warts.