You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were mushy and pompous, like two big internships. Your immediate instinct was to mooch, but instead you decided to call your friend beau: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of kahlua in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the 7314, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -54 Degrees F with a
77% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: malaysia, pakistan, and
poland have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: gray warts located on victim's navel. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? gray warts on your navel?! Yes!
Just then, beau knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, beau, I have gray warts on my navel. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied beau. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the belmont. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the belmont. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, scantily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your gray warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected navel selfish.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of wolves, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and beau's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed readily, after they had left. "I have the extra 1 dollars that I keep in my magic scarf! We can go to the belmont with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 9 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and friendly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the desperate confusion, you were certain you infected at least 11 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the posh crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and beau noticed that you were right in front of the belmont. Just then, the temperature dropped to -54 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the belmont was surrounded by 99 hundred firefighters trying to put out a scandalous fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at beau, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of excessive paddles.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your gray wart covered navel. "Here, beau! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling gingerly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing navels and waiting to succumb to the gray warts.