You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were muscular and lush, like two big single. Your immediate instinct was to bursting, but instead you decided to call your friend Maggie: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of rasberry wine to spike up your morning. That Friday needed a punch.
You moved into the library, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -32 Degrees F with a
48% chance of a volcano eruption.
HEADLINE: China, Lithuania, and
Macedonia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: lilac warts located on victim's clavical. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately six hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? lilac warts on your clavical?! Yes!
Just then, Maggie knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Maggie, I have lilac warts on my clavical. That means I only have six hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Maggie. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Holy Name Cathedral. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Holy Name Cathedral. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, whiny demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your lilac warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected clavical timely.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of geese, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Maggie's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed twinkly, after they had left. "I have the extra one million dollars that I keep in my skort! We can go to the Holy Name Cathedral with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than three minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and bubbly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the round confusion, you were certain you infected at least nine dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the bright crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Maggie noticed that you were right in front of the Holy Name Cathedral. Just then, the temperature dropped to -32 Degrees F, and the volcano eruption broke loose. Plus, the Holy Name Cathedral was surrounded by 1001 hundred firefighters trying to put out a spurious fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Maggie, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of pathetic townspeople.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your lilac wart covered clavical. "Here, Maggie! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling sexy, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing clavicals and waiting to succumb to the lilac warts.