You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were meloncholy and scarred, like two big feathers. Your immediate instinct was to skate, but instead you decided to call your friend charlie: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of skyy vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of everclear to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the foyer, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -52 Degrees F with a
72% chance of a flash flood.
HEADLINE: madagascar, butan, and
france have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: periwinkle warts located on victim's inner elbow. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? periwinkle warts on your inner elbow?! Yes!
Just then, charlie knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, charlie, I have periwinkle warts on my inner elbow. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied charlie. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the planetarium. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the planetarium. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your periwinkle warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected inner elbow haphazardly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and charlie's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed clumsily, after they had left. "I have the extra 1 dollars that I keep in my suspenders! We can go to the planetarium with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 13 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and swiftly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the fanfuckingtastic confusion, you were certain you infected at least 8 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the famous crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and charlie noticed that you were right in front of the planetarium. Just then, the temperature dropped to -52 Degrees F, and the flash flood broke loose. Plus, the planetarium was surrounded by 386 hundred firefighters trying to put out a shitty fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at charlie, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of green figurines.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your periwinkle wart covered inner elbow. "Here, charlie! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling slowly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing inner elbows and waiting to succumb to the periwinkle warts.