You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were melancholy and boyish, like two big glare. Your immediate instinct was to extracate, but instead you decided to call your friend michelle: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of jack's in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of gin to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the basement, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -2,000 Degrees F with a
2% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: thailand, japan, and
france have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: ochre warts located on victim's thumb. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9.3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? ochre warts on your thumb?! Yes!
Just then, michelle knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, michelle, I have ochre warts on my thumb. That means I only have 9.3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied michelle. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the MCA. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the MCA. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, steadily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your ochre warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected thumb stealthily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of pandas, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and michelle's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed hurriedly, after they had left. "I have the extra 3 dollars that I keep in my purse! We can go to the MCA with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 17 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and hastily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the grotesque confusion, you were certain you infected at least 300 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the macabre crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and michelle noticed that you were right in front of the MCA. Just then, the temperature dropped to -2,000 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the MCA was surrounded by 9.2 hundred firefighters trying to put out a insinuating fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at michelle, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of pleasure-bucket train wheel.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your ochre wart covered thumb. "Here, michelle! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling quickly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing thumbs and waiting to succumb to the ochre warts.