You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were lovely and wonky, like two big toes. Your immediate instinct was to saunter, but instead you decided to call your friend jeremiah: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of red wine in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of champagne to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bog, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 4 Degrees F with a
26% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: poland, dominican republic, and
france have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: white warts located on victim's middle finger. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 4 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? white warts on your middle finger?! Yes!
Just then, jeremiah knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, jeremiah, I have white warts on my middle finger. That means I only have 4 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied jeremiah. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the division street. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the division street. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, loqaciously demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your white warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected middle finger schnarfalrific.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dogs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and jeremiah's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed transparently, after they had left. "I have the extra 1 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the division street with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 3 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and defiantly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the yell confusion, you were certain you infected at least 2 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the ridiculous crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and jeremiah noticed that you were right in front of the division street. Just then, the temperature dropped to 4 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the division street was surrounded by 6 hundred firefighters trying to put out a rockin fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at jeremiah, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of steep rings.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your white wart covered middle finger. "Here, jeremiah! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling repugnant, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing middle fingers and waiting to succumb to the white warts.