You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were long and short, like two big kids. Your immediate instinct was to hike, but instead you decided to call your friend Luke: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Gin to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the Living Room, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -789 Degrees F with a
76% chance of a flood.
HEADLINE: USA, Zimbabwe, and
Germany have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: red warts located on victim's hand. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? red warts on your hand?! Yes!
Just then, Luke knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Luke, I have red warts on my hand. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Luke. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Beany's House. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Beany's House. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, positively demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected hand typically.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dogs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Luke's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed really, after they had left. "I have the extra 2 dollars that I keep in my scarf! We can go to the Beany's House with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and slowly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the hot confusion, you were certain you infected at least 2 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the erect crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Luke noticed that you were right in front of the Beany's House. Just then, the temperature dropped to -789 Degrees F, and the flood broke loose. Plus, the Beany's House was surrounded by 890 hundred firefighters trying to put out a furry fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Luke, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of smart cats.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your red wart covered hand. "Here, Luke! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling coincidentally, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing hands and waiting to succumb to the red warts.