You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were long and brown, like two big shoes. Your immediate instinct was to walk, but instead you decided to call your friend ee: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of rum in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -2 Degrees F with a
2% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: ireland, engalnd, and
bosnia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's eye. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your eye?! Yes!
Just then, ee knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, ee, I have pink warts on my eye. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied ee. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the john hancock. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the john hancock. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, between demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected eye inside.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of elephants, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and ee's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed betwixt, after they had left. "I have the extra 3 dollars that I keep in my shirt! We can go to the john hancock with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 2 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and running as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the slowly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 3 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the short crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and ee noticed that you were right in front of the john hancock. Just then, the temperature dropped to -2 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the john hancock was surrounded by 2 hundred firefighters trying to put out a shaggy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at ee, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of dirty rings.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered eye. "Here, ee! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling outside, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing eyes and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.