You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were learned and bright, like two big cartwheels. Your immediate instinct was to eat, but instead you decided to call your friend Heather: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of cosmo to spike up your morning. That Friday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -11 Degrees F with a
88% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: Armenia, Egypt, and
USA have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: green warts located on victim's arm. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 4 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? green warts on your arm?! Yes!
Just then, Heather knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Heather, I have green warts on my arm. That means I only have 4 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Heather. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the South Side. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the South Side. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, my demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your green warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected arm your.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of goats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Heather's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed her, after they had left. "I have the extra 76 dollars that I keep in my cap! We can go to the South Side with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 17 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and his as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the raspy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 89 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the loud crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Heather noticed that you were right in front of the South Side. Just then, the temperature dropped to -11 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the South Side was surrounded by 8 hundred firefighters trying to put out a fat fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Heather, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of hot garbage.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your green wart covered arm. "Here, Heather! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling her, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing arms and waiting to succumb to the green warts.