You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were large and puny, like two big bats. Your immediate instinct was to bounce, but instead you decided to call your friend heidi: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of bloddy mary in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of jack and coke to spike up your morning. That sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the b349, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -4985 Degrees F with a
456% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: norway, uraguay, and
canada have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: purple warts located on victim's knee. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? purple warts on your knee?! Yes!
Just then, heidi knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, heidi, I have purple warts on my knee. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied heidi. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the museum. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the museum. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, spiritly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your purple warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected knee excitedly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of zebras, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and heidi's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed dazily, after they had left. "I have the extra 789 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the museum with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 67 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and fast as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the furry confusion, you were certain you infected at least 34 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the cute crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and heidi noticed that you were right in front of the museum. Just then, the temperature dropped to -4985 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the museum was surrounded by 598454 hundred firefighters trying to put out a shiny fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at heidi, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of soft cakes.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your purple wart covered knee. "Here, heidi! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling softly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing knees and waiting to succumb to the purple warts.