You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were jumpy and loopy, like two big rats. Your immediate instinct was to screamed, but instead you decided to call your friend ratko: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Saturday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of tequila in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of kahlua to spike up your morning. That Saturday needed a punch.
You moved into the front room, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -50 Degrees F with a
57830% chance of a ice storm.
HEADLINE: turkey, peru, and
mexico have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: gold warts located on victim's uvula. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? gold warts on your uvula?! Yes!
Just then, ratko knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, ratko, I have gold warts on my uvula. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied ratko. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the the wall. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the the wall. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, meekly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your gold warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected uvula sleepily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dogs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and ratko's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed stealthily, after they had left. "I have the extra 4444444 dollars that I keep in my sweater! We can go to the the wall with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 7 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and paianstakingly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the silly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 8 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the peaceful crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and ratko noticed that you were right in front of the the wall. Just then, the temperature dropped to -50 Degrees F, and the ice storm broke loose. Plus, the the wall was surrounded by 1480 hundred firefighters trying to put out a hungry fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at ratko, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of orange windows.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your gold wart covered uvula. "Here, ratko! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling wildly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing uvulas and waiting to succumb to the gold warts.