You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were jaunty and sensual, like two big oats. Your immediate instinct was to push, but instead you decided to call your friend Kristen: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Maker's in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Zima to spike up your morning. That Monday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -9 Degrees F with a
76% chance of a typhoon.
HEADLINE: Ghana, Canada, and
Denmark have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: mauve warts located on victim's nipple. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? mauve warts on your nipple?! Yes!
Just then, Kristen knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Kristen, I have mauve warts on my nipple. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Kristen. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Second City. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Second City. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quickly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your mauve warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected nipple mightily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of doves, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Kristen's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed erratically, after they had left. "I have the extra 8 dollars that I keep in my halter! We can go to the Second City with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 14 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and lazily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the cool confusion, you were certain you infected at least 879 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the jacked crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Kristen noticed that you were right in front of the Second City. Just then, the temperature dropped to -9 Degrees F, and the typhoon broke loose. Plus, the Second City was surrounded by 907 hundred firefighters trying to put out a lame fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Kristen, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of funky trousers.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your mauve wart covered nipple. "Here, Kristen! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling angrily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing nipples and waiting to succumb to the mauve warts.